The Smartest Dog That Ever Lived

I always new Abby, our boxer, was smart. She is certainly the smartest dog I have ever known. It started innocuously enough, little things like her greeting you at the door and walking a few feet at a time toward the doggy snacks, twisting and shaking her head and pointing at the pantry with her head. She certainly had the Pavlov’s Dog thing down regarding snacks. It wasn’t long until she associated certain individuals with being more generous about snacks than her own family. For example, Grandma, who usually brought her own doggy snacks in her pocket. Abby would see that red car pull up and greet Grandma and start nudging the purse of the pockets for her snack. Then came Julie, who also figured out where the doggy snacks were and helped to spoil Abby even more. What the heck, it’s ok, she’s the smartest dog that ever lived.

Well, now that Abby is getting old we have had to deal with some geriatric health problems including urinary incontinence. There were just too many accidents piling up on our carpeting on a daily basis. Out comes the bucket, carpet cleaner, towels, vacumn, etc. Thus, we started to confine her to the downstairs bathroom during the day. We put up the folding picnic table in front of the door and a kitchen chair buttressed up against it so she couldn’t push it out. Abby’s sad eyes about killed me when I put her in there, she looked at me with that look that says: “What, you kiddin’ me pops? I’m not a dog, don’t you remember? You always said that Dad. You always told the kids that you aren’t feeding the ‘dog’, you’re feeding Abby, one of the family. And what? You puttin’ me in the bathroom? Whaz up with that Dude?” Well, the first day with this system she persisted in banging up against the folding picnic table so that she could get just enough room between it and the wall and squeeze out. Come home, Abby sleeping on the sofa and more piddle on the floor. Sheesh.

Applied the TWO chair method, same result, she must have pushed against that table for hours, but she squeezed out. She had her bed in there and plenty of water, she could even take a shower if she wanted to for crying out loud, it wasn’t like being outside in a kennel. She could have piddled on the floor all she wanted in there. I only used the picnic table so that she could have a view of the Lake and have a little extra air rather than close the door completely. Anyway, I had to bite the bullet and close the pocket door to the bathroom, latch it, and go to work. I left with her barking, scratching and then came a strange grunting, chewing sound, but I didn’t think anything of it.

Came home, yep, Abby on the sofa, looking at me with those eyes that seemed to say” “Hah, that’s all you got Pops?” She grabbed the stopper block on the door with her teeth and pulled it up at an angle so the wheels in the track popped out above and then banged on the door long enough to release the latch. OK, now I’m not stupid, I know enough to know when I’ve been defeated by superior basic animal intelligence. But I just couldn’t bring myself to put her in her crate because I know dogs really resist piddling in their bed and I didn’t want her in pain. Thus, I took her out to the garage.

The first day she chewed up some insulation I had just cut and placed the mess right in front of the door for me so that I would get a clear message that she was not very happy with me. Keep in mind this insulation was about 20 feet from the door, but she mangled it and dragged it in front of the door for me to see clearly. OK, time for a talk. I explained to her that being in the garage is a good thing, she has tons of room out here. Her bed is on top of two inch foam insulation and she has a heater. I showed her the drain in the floor for piddling in and her HUGE water bowl to drink from and gave her a doggy snack and she smiled at me.

Came home tonight to find Abby very content, I think she actually likes it out here in the garage. I let her out and played with her a bit and gave her a doggy snack in the house. I went back out to the garage to inspect the situation. The insulation was intact, untouched. I went over to the floor drain and there was the piddle, not pee anywhere else, just at the floor drain where I asked her to pee. Now you may think this was coincidence. However, I swear that dog understands English. Come on, this garage is like 30 by 30 feet big, she could have peed in a hundred places, but no, right at the drain where I told her to pee.

Abby is a gentle dog and travels for hours in a car without complaint, she likes her butt rubbed, she likes to lay at your feet. She’ll bark at strangers and protect you. She can tell when it’s time to go to the vet verses the river for fishing. She can tell days in advance when a trip is coming up, watching the luggage come out. It’s almost as if she knows if she’s going or not. In short, Abby is my beloved pet. I’ve determined that rather than “put her down” as I have been advised given her incontinence, Cushing’s Disease, Liver Disease, advanced Osteoarthritis, etc.---I will instead utilize the best that modern doggy medicine can offer and she and I will advance into the sunset for awhile together.

Many have said she’s outlived her usefulness, well, so have I in many ways already. I’ve procreated, I did research, wrote some songs, worked at my job helping people for many years. But the reality is I’m never going to be famous or change the world. If any of that will come it will do so thru my children. Reminds me of a Star Trek episode where the Enterprise goes into a time warp and ends up with an Air Force Pilot from the 1970’s. This is a difficult situation for the crew, because it would be very difficult, possible lethal to ship and crew to get him back. Thus, Spock does some research and finds out “all” he ever did was become a Pilot in the Air-Force and didn’t have any “major” accomplishments. Thus, they opted to just keep him and take him out of his life---until, another screen came up and they saw that his son became very influential in time-warp travel---and his son hadn’t been born yet. Thus, they returned him back to Earth at great peril, but succeeded and they preserved the continuum.

What measure of a man is time-warp travel? A number one song? What measure of dog is winning best of show? All is just a brief hiccup in the continuum of time. What is eternal? The love that dog Abby has given to me, her loyalty, the joy and funny moments she gave me. What will my children remember when I am gone? The big fish I caught? My job? Probably a bit, but most importantly they will remember how much I loved them, how I cared for them and cleaned up after them and helped their mother make HUGE sacrifices in her life for their own betterment. So go ahead Abby, piddle on the floor if you must, I won’t remember that. But, I’ll remember how you came and greeted me after a hard day, and always stayed with me, and loved me, my most wonderful, loyal loving friend, Abby.