Sunday, May 3, 2009

Depression

My friend Eddy, who is the best friend ever made for anyone, told me I was depressed. I was slogging thru my days, feeling like I was doing a good job at my job but doing a terrible job of living my life. He said he didn’t understand it, considering I am married to the world’s most beautiful woman, have incredibly talented, smart kids, etc. Then, he figured it out, I was too far from home. He told me I needed to move back to my Michigan home and be with the freshwater sea and the hawks, eagles, seagulls and brook trout and hike thru the woods and cross-country ski and simply be me again. So, I took his advice and moved back to this winter-water-wonderland in the World’s most Spectacular Peninsula, the U.P.

I had actually talked to a psychiatrist colleague after the encounter with Eddy and he agreed, I was depressed. However, he didn’t get it either, I was living in a wonderful town in Ohio, married to the world’s most beautiful woman, have incredibly talented, smart kids, etc., how could I possibly be depressed? Sadly, I was. Now, don’t misunderstand my feelings about Findlay, Ohio, it is a great town, a family town, a wonderful place to be, if, well, you are from Ohio. But for a Michigan boy used to skipping school to go trout fishing with his Dad (yeah, he sanctioned it)---fishing on a May night until 10 p.m. when the “midnight sun” finally sets---hoofing it thru the swamp pulling along an aluminum canoe to find that magnanimous brook trout pond loaded with very ignorant fish that have never been fished at---well, Ohio sort of falls short of the glory.

Enter May, 2009, the World’s Most Best Friend Eddy says to me, and this is a paraphrase, not a direct quote, (because he is very precise and exacting sometimes and I cannot do him justice)---but, he said that it has “been great” to not see you depressed since April, 2008. I said “what do you mean?” He said that every time he called me on the phone in the past years my voice reflected being depressed, and just down, down, down. However, since I moved back to Michigan, he said, he hasn’t detected a hint of that old depression thing. Wow, that really hit me, and I started thinking about my life here in the U.P. I go to bed every night with my arms aching from the strain of re-modeling, hunting, shooting, fishing---moving timber and “stuff” from one garage to another and back again for the re-model and I realized I am no longer depressed. In fact, I couldn’t remember what that felt like, it was like a foreign country, really, it was weird, I couldn’t conjure up those sad emotions, hard as I tried, I couldn’t remember what that felt like, to be depressed. For now, I am so happy seeing the sun almost everyday over Lake Michigan. If the clouds come in, don’t worry, the southern wind will blow them away in a few minutes. Really, it is sunny over 300 days a year at my house---my weather station will attest to that. That’s the beauty of a “southern exposure”.

So, almost an entire year has passed since I felt those pangs of depression. I thought I was past that terrible abyss forever, until tonight. Yes, I have been free of depression for about a year until tonight. You see, my friend Eddy was up here visiting and hanging out with me for two weeks. Today, he had to go home, after-all, he has a wife and a life and a garage and a truck and some sort of southern exposure too. He was up here fishing with me, creating and building and laughing with me until the wee hours. We built bonfires on the beach, we built closets and attic rooms and he hung drywall and mudded and sanded until he worked himself into a pulp. I was long “mush” and tired before he was. However, when my arms gave out, he pushed me, encouraged me to go on, despite a body long unresponsive to motrin. The poor guy couldn’t even raise his arm above his navel after he was here with us, giving his life and soul and incredible strength to us. You have to understand, this friend, this man, has incredible strength beyond belief. I am not just talking about a long reach and physical strength, I am talking strength of character and perseverance and loyalty and “semper-fi” beyond belief.

You know, Eddy is not exactly a Christian, not a church-going guy, but he believes in love. He said to me yesterday, “my religion is my friends”, as I told him he was crazy to come up here and spend so much time helping out my ailing home and family. I was teary-eyed and just overwhelmed with his sacrifice. However, he could find joy in that, in fact, he could have fun in a freakin’ thunder storm and a hurricane. When the volcano blows, our Eddy would be putting up shutters and wiring a generator and keeping the anxious calmed with his sun-bursting presence---he is, the definition of friendship. He is a man’s man and easy in his skin and willing to go to the ends of the earth and to the cuts and ends of a 2 x 4 in an attic room full of crappy cellulose insulation for you. In short, he would give his life for you if you reach that inner circle of his friendship. Of all the friends I have had in my life, even Bible-Reading Christian friends and Pastors that sought to befriend me, they all fall far short of the glory of my friendship with Eddy---they always had too much to do when I needed them, but not Ed. Nope, not Ed.

Tonight I am reminded of those awful feelings of depression. Although I saw the Eagle fly, the sun shine over Lake Michigan and the seagulls chirping in my sleepy seaside, fishing village of wonderful people and joy, I am depressed. Yes, I feel those awful emotions again, yuck, sadness, despair, depression, yuck, where is God??? Where is joy??? My friend Eddy has departed, that is why I have these depressed feelings again. He has gone back to his own Love and his own Life and I am INCREDIBLY HAPPY for him at that. However, tonight is the first time in an entire year, that I feel those awful thoughts and pangs of depression, because our “Uncle Eddy” has gone back home. He, as always, left his sleeping place a better place. He, comes in to fill the void, he never takes anything, he has so much to give it is stifling. I only wish I had half the energy and love that is within him.

As I said above, I have had many “Christian” friends over the years, wonderful, incredible people, but they, like me, have too much selfishness within them---it’s so easy to say, “I can’t help you tonight because I have something I have to do”…. But, not Eddy, he always has that “something to do”, oh yeah, he always has “something to do” to help you, and be your friend, and support you and lift you up and care for you---he, in his profane way, exemplifies the Love of our very own God---he, sacrifices, restores, loves, brings you up near and over the mountain top because he loves you. I only wish everybody could have an Eddy like I do!!!! And then, the World would be a much better place!!!! Thank you Eddy, my friend, my brother, the definition of friendship and Godliness to his fellow man on this Earth!!!

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