I see now that for me, moving here or not was a matter of life and death. Today, I had to say goodbye to a patient who died of heart failure. Unfortunately, I barely new her. I only met her a few days ago when she was very sick, in the end stages, the last breaths of her life. In Findlay, I was experiencing the lasts breath of my life in many ways, at least my career life. I was tired, I was too busy, I was ready to go home. I was very much like this dying patient, as she was ready to go “home”. She was tired, she had given it her all, but had nothing left to give. There was no reserve. We tried all the usual things, and were as aggressive as we should be. But alas, her heart was too weak and despite the best of modern medicine, we couldn’t resurrect her heart.
I see the parallel of her life and mine right now. I came to the emergency room of Northern Michigan, in the final breaths of my life if you will. I was getting fat, and sad and lazy, and needed a doctor. I am no longer “fat”, and back into clothes I haven’t worn in years. My spiritual “doctor” is a new Church and friends, and the Great Lake in front of my door, the rivers, the streams, the sun coming up over the cedar forest on my way to work. It is the patients who see me in the local coffee shop, restaurant and gas station and give me a pat on the back and say “how you doin’ Doc?” Each day I wake I cannot wait to look out the window and see what the Lake is doing. Is it calm? Are the great white caps putting on a show? Is it warm? Cool? Are there deer drinking from the stream next to my house? I love the first cup of coffee in the morning again. Instead of an essential medicine to get me out the door----the coffee is just an adjunct, a way to get me going to a place I want to be. I love getting to my job, and maybe making a bit of difference again.
Unlike my patient who passed on today, I at least have a few more hours. You know, like my brother Ed told me the other day, “it’s a BONUS”, he said, and I paraphrase. What he meant is that he said each day and moment is a bonus now. Think of how many of our friends have passed on in thier prime. Many of them heroes for our nation, many from disease, all too many before the age of 50. Thus, I realize I have been given a great gift. I am really “living the dream” as my friends said. At first, I thought they meant that because I am so near to many lakes and trout streams. However, now I know what it really means. I am where I want to be. Hah, I’ve NEVER been able to say that, I AM WHERE I WANT TO BE. Sure, I could use a lot more money. I could be the perfect father and husband and have perfect children. BUT, that’s not going to happen. Certainly, I have the perfect wife, but beyond that on this Earth, the only perfect thing is where I wake up in the morning. When I look out I see the great expanse of one of the World’s Greatest and Biggest Fresh Water Lakes. This is my front door. The breeze, my deodarant, the dew, my bath, where the sky and the water meet, my psychiatrist. I am, the luckiest man on Earth.
Monday, August 25, 2008
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